Awesome Date :)

My husband and I LOVE baseball. We do, everything about it. We spent the day yesterday watching the Royals get beat by the Angels, but it was so much fun! We hadn't gone to the Kauffman stadium for a few years, in fact it was pretty much a month shy of 2 years ago. My son & I put my husband in for the Royals MVP Dad & he won! He's got a one of a kind jersey that actually says MVP Dad & we got royally spoiled that day. It was great.

This game was just as fun though. We went with friends and got to sit a few rows up from the field...AND we had waiters. This was our second baseball game together where we didn't have kids, and it is so much easier to watch the game when you aren't changing diapers, getting food, walking them around because it is hot. Days like yesterday I don't take for granted. You're not a bad parent if you need a break from your kids!!

Our kids had a blast with their friends too! Our Gianna (3) was even telling her friend that if you poop on the potty you get tattoos...and big boys poop on the potty!! Hopefully she motivated him to give it a shot!! Our youngest was so happy to see us that she gives us those huge, arms around your neck, squeezes that melt your heart. We each got those. Now if only an 8 year old would realize Mom & Dad hoped you would have the same reaction!! He wanted to stay, lol. 11 hours at the same house & he didn't want to come home!

This morning I'm starting Insanity again. I've gained a few pounds from starting my medicine & I am dragging!! I need to really get the ball rolling again... Hello, we are moving to Tampa in a month!!!

Dealing with Anniversaries

It has been 6 years since my husband "got blown up" in Iraq, and 5 years for me.  We've realized that March/April is THE WORST time for our marriage.  Yes, it took a therapist to inform us of our injury dates, and how we are both on edge during this time.  We get mad about the dumbest things, and end up not talking for days.  We love each other, but during that time period it's like we want to be left alone.  Add in Easter & three kids & it's a recipe for disaster.  You try to tell yourself to stay calm, but you just can't.  It's this sub-conscience thing that just eats at you.  That last week of March - first week of April....just horrible.  Once that time passes it's like a weight was lifted, we're still alive & we get happy again!

Our doctors/counselors have finally found programs that work for both of us, so aside from that little stretch of time things are going wonderfully for us!  My medicine has "helped" me gain extra weight...little does it know that I was doing fine on that on my own ;)  Hey, I'd rather be a few extra pounds overweight & happy than miserable & thin.  I did get to run TWO half marathons (13.1 miles) in the last 2 months.  My first one I ran with my wonderful friend Jil...we stayed together & finished together (well, minus my sprint for the bathroom at the end!  Your bladder control doesn't work so well after that many miles & 3 kids!!!)  I was curious for my second one, so I ran as fast as I could.  Minus some blister pain & readjustments around mile 7 I ran it in 2:11:17.  I was pretty happy with my results & know if I push myself & train a little more I could easily get under 2 hours!

On the kid front we FINALLY have our 3 year old pooping on the potty.  Yes, she's 3 & she is just now pooping on the potty.  Yes, it's wonderful that many of you have kids who didn't take that long...but they're not as stubborn as our little miss.  She also has 8-10 tattoos on her arms, one for every poop so far!  Yes, we do the rewards system...and YES it works!!  My husband was dancing around with her about her poop last night.  Yes, a hardened combat medic, who has seen Kosovo, Iraq, and Afghanistan....saved lives...lost lives.....dancing about his 3 year old pooping on the potty.  That my friends is the best therapy one could have.  The smile & glow on both of their faces was wonderful...I loved taking it all in.

Good Lies v Bad Lies

I've been faced with this question this week after I discovered my husband lied about what money was spent on to his mother. I guess certain sacrifices can't be made by a 35 year old man, or it may upset certain people.

My husband & I weren't planning on having our third child when we did...but sure enough, we got pregnant & ended up with two little girls 14 months apart. I drove a 4-Dr Jeep Wrangler that I loved and was so excited I could buy it for myself! I loved that thing BUT we discovered we couldn't fit 2 car seats and a booster seat in the back. I struggled for 2 weeks to make it work, even contemplated taking my oldest out of his booster seat at age 6. Well, I gave in when my husband said we should sell it & now I drive a Ford Flex. It's a nice car, just not my Jeep.

Upon redeploying my husband wasn't content with his man cave that I built for him. He felt the need to spoil himself. He spent money that we should have been saving & so money was getting tight. Many of the people in our relationship who started out as his friends & family view me in a negative light, so when he came back I wasn't going to ask about money or anything...just trying to give him whatever he wanted. I was even doing the Love Dare because I felt we needed a boost. Well, the first few paychecks after the deployment pay went away took some getting used to. We ended up with just over $200 left towards groceries from the check. Yes, we had other resources but that wasn't good for the home front.

My husband and I had a talk about a week prior to this, part of the Love Dare, where you say things that your spouse does that bothers you...but you can't defend yourself or fight them. One of my irritating things was always how selfish he was with money. Our minds work differently. I spent money on the house, kids, him, and then me...in that order. He spends on him, kids, me, and then the house. I was able to openly express to him this dislike. He seemed to just listen & that was it. Once he saw the budget after his unbudgeted expenses he realized crap.

Well, when we had $200 for groceries, which is doable for us, he wasn't happy. He got his trailer & took his Harley to this man he had been talking to about selling it to. I had no idea this was even going on...I just built him a man cave perfect for the Harley...and it was paid off. I wanted to hold on to that thing as long as possible. He sold the Harley because he realized he has been selfish in certain areas and needs to care for his kids & family. You see, our kitchen table was down to one chair & a folding chair. It was cheap, and for years we talked about new chairs. The newest video games or hat were always more important. This was a huge step for him, and now we have a big table to eat at as a family. My goal is to one day buy him a new Harley.

My husband lied to his mother, said she had too much stress and that if she knew that money from his Harley went to the table she would be upset. Why? No clue considering I would be proud of my son for realizing he made mistakes and needed to care for his family. I also have that fear that no matter what I say that I will be looked at as the bad guy. No matter what I say or do I'm still the newcomer. I can try to be nice and forgiving of everything but it just seems like I end up pushed farther and farther away. My parents were equally as sad that He sold the Harley...they had just come to visit for Easter & my dad wanted to ride it!

What lies are okay? Are any okay? I'm a brutally honest type of person & there are many things I say that I usually don't apologize for because they were harshly honest things. Yes, many people like things sugar coated. That's just not me but I have learned to just not say anything. Too many people judge me and call me names just because I have not agreed with their stance on something. I will also tell you the truth if you ask...it's a flaw of mine. I love my flaws though, and I think I was made brutally honest for a reason. It's hard for me to tell people lies...I get called out whenever I try!!

Christmas Time

The Christmas Season has some heartbreaking moments, as well as some wonderful moments for me.  Starting off, Christmas was always wonderful as a child.  I was blessed with parents who would stay up all night putting together my Barbie Dream House, or wrapping our presents after going to church for a candlelight service for Christmas Eve.  They also made sure we knew that Christmas wasn't just about us, but about making those around us smile.  It was a wonderful way to spend Christmas.  Well, I joined the Army in 2003 and my first Christmas away from home was in Germany in 2004.  I was 9 months pregnant, due on January 12th.

During that time I was married & what I had assumed to be marital problems that are normal between deployed couples ended up not being so normal.  I married my ex-husband February '04, we deployed together that year & then I was sent back after it was discovered I was apparently pregnant the whole time!  Yes, I actually got deployed pregnant.  Pretty odd, huh?  I spent quite a bit of money to make that Christmas wonderful for him.  Because our son was going to be his first they allowed him to take his R&R so late in the deployment to where he could be home for his birth.  They actually sent him home around the 27th or so of December because his mother was coming to visit.  That day came & went, and I even got the morning off to meet the bus full of guys who came back.  Every man on that bus was shifty eyed except for this one man that obviously had sympathy for me.  He told me that my ex had gotten a flight to meet another woman that he had met online.  For the next 1-2 weeks he would call & email claiming to still be stuck in Kuwait...even while his mother was visiting.  He finally showed up, a week before my due date.  Sad to say, he didn't hide his rendezvous well...I quickly found Ohio receipts all over our house, and within a day he left me & his Mom in Germany & flew back to Ohio to be with the "love of his life" (they didn't work out).  The next week was pretty awkward with my mother-in-law...I did bring her to an appointment where she heard my son's heartbeat & was very emotional. (Once the divorce was finalized a year later she broke off all contact with us.)  I drove her to the train station on my due date and then went into the hospital feeling drained.  The midwife chose to induce me because my son's heartbeat was low.  I had a healthy baby boy, he just needed out.

Baby's First Christmas

The following Christmas I was waiting on my divorce to be finalized, and was a single mother in Germany.  Lucky for me I did have a good support structure, and so that Christmas was actually pretty fun.  I even had two friends who were dads & who had their children for visitation use my house for their Christmas celebrations with their kids.  It was wonderful to let them have that time.  My son loved his first Christmas, and I loved his reactions!    The next Christmas, in 2006, was bittersweet.  I got to see my Dad's whole side of the family, but I was still a single mom.  It was his second Christmas, right before his 2nd birthday.  I knew the following February I was deploying & that Christmas would be spent without me.  I cherished every moment with him.

Our Christmas in Iraq was almost numbing.  It was wonderful the things they did to make us feel better about being so far away.  The skits, costumes, trees, ornaments, cookies, decorations, etc were all wonderful.  I was even more blessed that my parents were able to take pictures of everything and I was able to see how excited my son was.  Again, I was blessed to know that he was with my family, and I couldn't have asked for a better family to help raise him for those 15 months.  He loved all of that time with his Grammy & PopPop, and his cousin!  

Hunter got SO excited for new PJs!

The next Christmas was hard for me.  My husband & I had started dating & we ended up with an accidental pregnancy that ended up having us realize that we were truly meant to be together.  That happiness about our newest baby was short-lived...I miscarried a week before Christmas, at 8 weeks pregnant.  It was hard, but my husband & I were only dating & I knew God had a plan for us.  I also knew I had my oldest with no issues, so I'm sure we could still have babies just fine.  This one just wasn't meant for this earth.  Due to the miscarriage I cancelled my plans to fly and see my family, I just wasn't feeling up to it.  My friends took my son & myself in & we spent Christmas Eve & Christmas Day with them.  It was wonderful.  I was blessed to have them during that time.  The day after Christmas I asked my husband if he minded me joining him & his family for Christmas, and he said to come on down to Texas.  I packed up the car & we headed out.  It was wonderful, I loved his family & they were so nice to me.  I knew for sure he was the one.

During that following year we got married and found out we were pregnant with our 2 year old.  I was stationed at Fort Huachuca, AZ waiting to be chaptered out of the Army.  I was hoping we could stay dual military but the CDC on post had no openings & all of the centers off post opened too late.  My unit was understanding, but my co-workers liked to judge that I was getting special treatment because I didn't have to do PT.  I was pregnant...but yet they felt as though I was being treated special and I shouldn't be there anymore.  It just got to be too much and I was relieved when I got out of the Army on January 4th 2010.  That was a lonely Christmas, I didn't want to bother families that I got to know because they all had plans with their families, so my son & I got Denny's, went to a local church for Christmas Eve, and then had a nice, relaxing Christmas Day where my parents were able to Skype all morning with us & see him open every gift. 

Visiting Santa in AZ!

Playing at the hotel

The wonderful thing about that church service is that we sat next to an older couple who saw I was pregnant with a 4 year old.  They helped keep him entertained for me, so we could enjoy the service. In fact, everyone loved him.  He went up for a children's sermon & the Pastor took him & had him sit right next to him.  They gave all of the kids a snow globe that was a nativity scene.  My wonderful Christian son has cherished this nativity scene since that day.  He keeps it on a shelf in his room & brings it down to teach his sisters.  It's so wonderful to see the love & care he has.  That wasn't something I had planned for, but those people made me realize that we're never alone for the holidays.  Whenever you feel alone if you just go to the right place people are willing to let you into their homes.  I decided I needed to pay it forward, so I went on a last minute mini-vacation to Phoenix, AZ with my munchkin to visit a friend who was going through rehab.  We went up there & stayed in a hotel, went to the zoo, and hiked a little.  It was wonderful.  Also awesome to see a face I hadn't seen in years. 

Christmas Eve 2011

I know that many of us take it for granted the time we get to spend with family during the holidays but there are many, due to jobs, hospitalizations, etc, that are unable to be with their families during Christmas.  There are many that don't believe in Jesus yet they celebrate Christmas.  I hold onto that hope that if someone celebrates Christmas they do believe, in some way, shape or form, and they just need to be shown how wonderful a Christian life is.  I do think there are many struggles in my life, but I know everything happens for a reason.  Yes, over the last couple of months I've really thinned down my list of "friends" but I've also felt this huge weight lifted off of my chest because I didn't feel like I was being who I truly am.  It's now that time to be that person.

PTSD & Counseling

Today was my first official counseling after I was diagnosed with PTSD since I've been out.  I've discovered through these last few years that even though I thought I was okay and handling my symptoms, I really wasn't.  Many people I come in contact with have no idea that I suffer from PTSD, or that it is as serious as it is.  Possibly even those I deployed with have no idea because they were able to still function when they came home just fine.  I don't know, it could have also been the fact that my husband and I both suffer from it, so when I think I overcome it I see him struggle, and so I struggle again, and it's just a vicious cycle.  All I know is I got to the point where I couldn't take it anymore.

I've noticed for the last few years that I didn't care about angering people.  It's horrible, but I would push people's buttons until they cracked.  My PTSD turned me into a person who just wanted to bring anyone down around me that I viewed as a threat.  Whether these people threaten me or my kids, or they make me angry due to their horrible lack of respect to myself or my belongings, it's like a switch flips in my head.  I try for days, months, hours to figure out why I am so angry at that person for something that may seem small to someone else, but it's a deal breaker to me.  I right away view that person as a threat & hope that eventually the time will come that I can just remove them from my life.

Honestly, I thought my time in Iraq and the harassment I had to deal with, along with the deployment struggles, as well as my injury, made me angry and there was nothing to do about it.  Today was my first time realizing that it's my Flight or Fight response that has taken over.  When we deploy we are trained to push our morals aside, and to focus on the fight.  Yes, I know I didn't pull the trigger by myself but there are so many times where I had to ignore my emotions and feelings and focus on the task at hand.  When I took shrapnel I had no time to think about the reality that I could have lost my life if the shrapnel was caught coming right off of the impact, and not on the way down.  There's also the possibility that the shrapnel could have hit my eye and removed vision.  So many possibilities but because we had a mission I chose to ignore any of those feelings and immerse myself in my work.  It wasn't until I got near my son that I realized the severity of what could have happened, and what did happen.

We have no cable in our home, and so when the Newtown tragedy hit I was just watching updates online.  I saw that there were 20 children who died and at first I didn't feel sad for them.  I knew that was the wrong way to feel, but I just didn't get that emotion.  It wasn't until I realized later that night that Hunter is the same age as those kids were, and how I would feel if I was in that situation.  I have since cried & teared up every time I see one of those little faces, or read one of their stories.  I've almost become obsessive getting to know their stories because I feel guilty that my reaction of sadness took a few hours.  It takes me longer than most to figure out the seriousness of certain things, but I eventually do.  I need to learn how to figure out how to let my moral self take over from my flight or fight self.  For now, my method is to lay low and to myself.  Those individuals that I have yelled at and flipped out at I am sorry about, but as soon as I feel like I need to be defensive for an honest action, it's hard to figure out how to fix things.  I end up becoming this horribly mean person and hope eventually that person cuts ties with me.

Anxiety and PTSD are real, and it's sad to find out that not many people go and get the help they need. There have been so many people who are afraid that their experiences aren't serious enough, and so they shouldn't NEED this help.  Regardless, if you know you're not acting like your normal self it's important that you seek help.  Yes, I may have lost a few friends, but I still have my family, children, and other friends who know I'm dealing with struggles and they're willing to stand by and help me through this time.  There are some times where you need to withdraw from others, so you can focus on yourself and your family.

Bonding With Your Kids While Deployed

So here we are, at roughly the halfway mark of the 9 month deployment.  I don't let the kids know how far we've gone or how much time we have left.  I just leave that alone...it's just easier that way.  They know Daddy is still there, just that he's working in another country!  I remember when I deployed & left Hunter with his grandparents from ages 2-3 it was hard.  I was worried we wouldn't be able to keep our close bond.  As a single mother he was all I had, and I was all he had.  We had that bond & it was rough on him when I was gone.  He had some mood swings but overall he was a loving, caring two year old!  My parents raised him perfect, and when I got him back it was like I had never left.  He loved me just the same.

This deployment is different.  I'd say that as long as your child is under two the deployment seems easier.  The older kids usually go through these various mood swings.  There are nights where they yell, nights where they cry, days where they just hate the world.  It is rough.  No amount of prayer, lessons, or cuddles seems to help.  They just seem lost and confused...abandoned.  At age 7 they can't really explain what's going on, so they lash out in anger.  Hunter will be the most loving boy, but then a switch can go off and he's yelling at me and storming off.  He doesn't get physical, just emotional, but sometimes that's just as bad.  We've decided that he has to have more ways to communicate with his Daddy.  I made him an email address that is monitored through mine.  He's able to get on it after I check, to make sure his emails are only from Daddy & other family members.  He LOVES having his own emails from Daddy & it helps him with his typing and writing skills.  He's very proud of each email he writes.

Our youngest painting for Daddy

 Another dilemma you have while a parent is deployed is how does that deployed parent really show their love?  You see, mail is scarcely picked up where my husband is currently at, so getting hand-written letters from his Dad is something that may/may not happen.  We've just decided to work on what we send to Daddy, but you know there's always that "where's mine" feeling...where's the love from Daddy to me?

One of the many pieces of art Daddy has received

Well, I know it's bad but we've discovered in the past that physical items allow him to realize how much his Daddy loves him.  No matter how big or small, he gets excited to just know Daddy is thinking about him.  His main source of excitement lately has been some of Daddy's old books.  Hunter LOVES to read...it's one of his favorite activities.  It's great because his Dad & I both love to read too!  We have all sorts of books in our house, and he will pick up any book he finds and starts reading.  He even writes his own books. He loves writing books to his Daddy telling him how much he loves and cares about him, and just knowing that he made his Dad's day with those stories is all the approval he needs.  He doesn't care if he misspelled words, or he forgot punctuation.  He knows Daddy will love it because it's from him.

During my deployment Hunter went to a Preschool that I actually attended when I was his age.  It was perfect for my parents, and they were very understanding of our situation.  He got extra love from Miss Robin and it still makes me tear up just remembering how much she truly loved and cared about him.  She would let him cuddle on her to fall asleep at naptime, because she knew he was missing those moments with Mommy.  Well, one of the days Hunter apparently shoved a seashell up his nose on the playground.  It was a very small one and they couldn't get him to blow it out.  My brother, Dad & Mom all got phone calls to try and get to the school so they could remove it.  I believe my brother was the one who was there when he finally was able to get it out!  Guess what I got mailed to me in Iraq, in one of those little plastic tooth chests?  Yup, the seashell.  It is still on my bookshelf...just one of those things you hold onto, not because of the monetary significance, but because of the story.

My husband still holds onto his first Father's Day cards from the kids.  It was huge for him, he was in his 30s, a combat veteran, divorced man, who was hoping one day to have a family but wasn't getting his hopes up too high.  If it happened it happened.  Well, for a guy who seems all tough let me tell you...when he got those first cards he was teary eyed.  He is such an emotional and loving father that it makes me love him so much more.  He's a great man, and I know he's worried about his bond with his kids.  I know he's worried that his baby girls, who were 11 months & 26 months when he deployed, are going to forget him.  It's his biggest fear.  It's not a fear of mine, because I get to see their love for him each day.  I get to see how much they love hanging out with him, sleeping with their Daddy Doll & blanket.

PTSD...disorder or becoming a new person?

I know there are TONS of pages about PTSD and people's personal experiences.  This is my blog though, and I'd like to share my family's PTSD story.  My husband and I both had various versions of PTSD from nonmilitary events but PTSD from our deployment(s) has made us different people.  I honestly think there are good and bad things that can come from PTSD, whether others think so or not. We were both deployed during OIF 07-08 for 15 months with the 4th IBCT, 1st Infantry Division.  He was a medic & I was an intelligence analyst.  We worked in the same unit but rarely saw each other due to our assignments.

His incident occurred during the first few months of our deployment, during an Improvised Explosive Device (IED) attack followed by shooting incidents.  My husband left that attack and firefight with PTSD and a Traumatic Brain Injury (TBI).  I didn't really know him at the time, so I don't know how he was before these things happened to him.  He did debrief with us, where I worked, about the incident so I was aware of the nitty gritty details.  I didn't think those would come in beneficial to me, I just thought I was doing my job.  I didn't realize that knowing the details would help him open up to me, and heal from the incident.

My incident occurred during an Indirect Fire (IDF) attack on our Forward Operating Base (FOB).  Our FOB got IDF pretty much daily, it was rare if a day or two went by with no IDF.  I worked at night & slept during the day.  I got woken up a few times by IDF, once it hit the building I was living in, while I was sleeping, and another it hit the tent I was living in...and I took shrapnel to my thigh.  This incident had the IDF so close that my ears were ringing, but I was still pretty sleepy and wasn't quite able to understand what all happened.  There ended up being over 10 volleys of 81mm mortar rounds that hit our FOB that attack.  We got lucky during that attack, but the day after that attack there was an attack in the same area which did end up killing some Soldiers.  That made me realize how truly lucky we were during the attack where I took shrapnel to my leg.  I didn't over react about my incident...I just filled out the paperwork I should have & even went into work that night.  It wasn't until I got home from that deployment that I realized I could have died, if our tents were closer, if their aim was better, so many ifs.  I do think the prayers from home kept me safe as well as my daily prayers!

I didn't think I had PTSD until I got home and saw fireworks shows.  The fireworks made me jump, cars driving erratically made me pull over, loud bangs made my heart race for an hour.  I was lucky, my PTSD didn't affect my sleep unless there were bangs while I slept.  I did have issues, and still do, with my ears ringing.  When there's a loud bang, even if it's clearly not loud enough to affect my hearing, I lose hearing in one or both of my ears for about 10-20 minutes.  I didn't have issues with sleeping until my husband deployed this last time, and I started having nightmares about seeing vehicles after attacks, watching as our Mortuary Affairs guys sorted through personal belongings with such respect, and of course the many IDF attacks we had.  I would wake up crying and shaking.  It was confusing, because I wasn't actually part of some of the dreams, I was just witnessing...and it had been 4 years since my attack!  I also had dreams of being there with my husband during his few attacks he has mentioned to me.  I had to go see a doctor to figure out how to stop this.

My doctor has helped me realize that just because I wasn't an active part in these incidents they still affect me, just like someone who has witnessed a car accident or traumatic experience can be affected for years.  I now know that it's okay for me to have these feelings and dreams, they're not just *meant* for those individuals who took part in those specific events.  They affect us all.  The fact that I know my husband's stories and he's able to open up to me makes our marriage that much stronger.  He knows that he can honestly tell me what's going on during this deployment and I won't overreact or freak out and lose my mind.  He knows that I understand what happens during a war, and that even though I'm not there during that deployment I am still here for him.  He is able to tell me details, however big or small, of incidents he's currently going through and it's okay.

I feel as we are one of the lucky couples dealing with PTSD.  Let's face it, he's from the ranches & farms in Texas....I'm from the suburbs of Philadelphia.  We did not grow up alike AT ALL!  But, thanks to our war experience and PTSD stories we are able to bond and open up to each other about the incidents we have experienced that have shaped us.  Experiences shape us all, whether good or bad, you decide.  We could have let our individual cases overwhelm us and ruin our lives but instead we thrived, met each other, and are more willing to work through any issues and problems we have experienced.

I love my husband dearly and I'm so blessed to be able to help him through his daily struggles of his TBI.  Yes, we have our moments where we argue, and yes, our marriage is far from perfect.  It's okay with me that he has nightmares, that he can't handle crowds, that he gets very emotionally charged about certain things.  He's my husband, he was that way when we got married, and I will continue to help him through any challenges that we face.  He is able to listen to my stories, and even though I wasn't on the streets walking them like he was, he's able to not judge my deployment as something less than his.  He's able to respect and honor his wife's service, and the fact that I gave up everything in my military career to raise our family.  For that I'll be grateful forever.